A Lost Childish Clown

[Truth Alexander]

Dreams
Filled to the brim
And
Packaged nicely
In an individual
12 ounce bottle
Sitting there.........conviently
On that porto-typical oak table
Me
Sitting in a chair
Reaching for that bottle
Haults
And notices it swaying
Back
And
Forth
As you get out of the car
I witness the bottle
Crash onto the floor
As you walk into his arms
I sit their silently as the contents
Seep across the spine tingling cold tile floor
As you kiss him
Not once or twice
Not three or four times
But five times
All along
I
Am sitting in
Your
Car
Forcing a childish smile
And
Being a foolish clown
With the water proof painted smile on my face
So the tears won't smear that external makeup
Eventhough, internally, I'm lost in the middle of a sea of hurt
With no oars
Oh well
I guess there is no crying over spilt dreams
Now I just need to get a map
And
A boat motor
So I can get back to shore
And go to bed
Then I can dream another dream all over again

~The Truth~
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[parch]

you put a lot of feeling into this but i'm sure you can do more..right now it seems as if you're just using feeling and not really trying to do much else.. actually now i reread and see something..you use short strucured lines to add importance to certain words which makes it choppy and does add flavor, but you can do better than that. i think if you changed which words were on their own line...it would mean more,...if you used different words than those expected.. give meaning to those words and they become more powereful. the best line is "I" just after the kisses. it struck me hard. cause it was just one letter there by itself but it meant so much. you seem to be going for despair so if that's it then really go for it. do more like you did with "I." your use of single word lines would work better that way w/o words like "And" being on their own line. i just think you can do more w/ this poem.

___---parch